Jiyueno Shoutai

i KNOW you guys prolly don't want to be bothered with any more of my Japanese stuff, but this song's sentimental. there are very few songs that can make me cry, and this is one of them. even before i read the translation, it's just a lonely sounding song. so i thought i'd share it with everyone. especially since i haven't been on here in forever and a half.



here's the best translation i could find. the first one i read sounded more accurate, but oh well. close enough. you'll get the point. it's sad. and it reminds me of someone.

Can you still hear the buzz?
wanting to stop time just as it is now.

surrounded by mellow days, it was all too blinding

I should've known from the start
only those rambling words rang out emptily

I want to stay alseep and keep dreaming.

the dead leaves that dance in that wind,
are collecting in my heart.

you never go away
stop holding me back,
everything's going to be different from here on out

I'm sure that the road you choose
will be all aglow in radiant light
I'll be a clown for you and walk it
don't take that smile away

I should've known from the start
my bewilderment, closes the door on the season
I was the one dreaming,
all of it floats up and away like white foam.

corn mazes scare me. i like mazes, and i like corn. but all the old decaying ears on the path remind me of tiny corpses. o_o

on a lighter note, THE HOLYOKE MALL IS SOOOO HUGE. no, seriously, like SO HUGE.
the next free weekend i have, i wanna go there. bad.

ahhhhh i'm gonna miss Jackie's b-day party next weekend, cause i'll be up here in VT again. i hope she can move it to the next weekend, though i'm not sure if i'll be able to ask cause i'd hate making her change everything for one person. -_- BUT... if i do have to miss it, i'll make up for it somehow.

I MISS BONNIE. there's this Japanese course i reeeeaally wanna take, at Yale, but it's freakin 3 hundred-something dollars, and that's about how much i have saved up for half of Bon's plane ticket. WTF.


my dad said something to me this weekend, on the carride to Ioka Farm, that really got to me. we were talking about my mum, and sister, and stuff going on at home. i said somethign like "well, what if i really took over the household? like, not just with making dinner and stuff, but acting like the leader all together. like, being helpful with Victoria, and helping with her homework, and making lists of things i see we need around the house, things that mum would do." (it was shorter and different, but that's what i was thinking, pretty much.) and he responded with something like "yeah, that would help your mother a lot, but don't overload yourself." then he said something about my childhood, and not wasting it. i almost cried, i really did. it was hard not to. all i could htink was "well, i never had a chance at a childhood, so it's a little late now." i think that's the reason i've been having petty troubles with my mum. since i never really got a childhood(except for those years on Ruth Drive), i'm stuck in this position where i want to be more mature, but i keep making childish mistakes. if i can get over that, if i can take over andstart getting things back in order, maybe everything will get better. or at least some things. that'd be nice.

i wish i could fly.

or maybe read minds. but given the choice, i'd definitely rather fly. who cares what everybody else is thinking?

flying would kick ass.

if i ever become famous in Japan... like, so famous people start cosplaying me... i'm gonna cosplay myself to see if anyone would go "wow, your cosplay sucks. and you look nothing like that awsome sammi person."

...except all in Japanese.

that would be funny.




oh yeah. YARG A FLARG MY BLARG ARG JARG. arr.

me and Lauren just started CRACKING UP at that movie, Carrie. and Libby-ah was just like "um... did i miss something?" that ladys voice was sooo goofy. those oyster crackers really didn't seem stale! and i still have some vitamin water left. i haven't tried the yellow kind and the lemonade kind. next time, next time. then when Lauren left, me and Libby-ah were watching MTV, and she kept going "we're watching MTV..... o_o" and now my bike is still there, so i'd better go get it sometime today.

and im SO NERVOUS for the band thing at The Space tonight. like, sooo nervous. all i've ever done onstage is sing and play the flute. which i can't even do anymore. gah. =o

i just watched the omen with Libby-ah and Lauren b. it was funny. Lauren paused it at the best moments, when the people made the funniest faces. it was perfect. and then Lauren left, and i stayed a while longer. we started watching this movie on tv, that we couldnt figure out what it was. so Libby-ah is still watching it to find out what its called. ^-^
and now i had to get off cause my mums being pregnant again. blah.

and i can't believe i almost forgot!!! 


tomorrow is Bon's 

birthday!!!!!

on the second of August, of course. 

i wanna get a bunch of people together tomorrow and call her, and then we should all burst out with "happy birthday" and make her a happy camper. and since there's a six-hour time difference, we can call pretty late, which means ellie can be there too. cause 8 would be about 2 over there. so, later would be better, since they've already started school. 

Happy Birthday Bonnie!!!
<333

my friend online, Kim (i call her Nana san) called me yesterday. and i was all tired, and doing the CRAPLOAD of dishes my mum let pile up while i was gone, and i felt like not doign anythign and just disappearing. pretty much. just like, blah, no. so Nana called, and i was all happier, and we talked a little until my mum complained about the dishes not completely done yet. but the thing that just made my entire day was when she first called, and i said hello, and she said "hello, princess." i was just like awwwwwwwwwww, someone cares. it made me happy. and then she went on to say how much of a pain i was for not picking up when she called earlier. pshhh. 
SO, i started my "job" yesterday, and everything has been going sooooo easliy. it's like supervising a play-date, cause i bring my sister every day. and they became friends so fast! it's a DAMN good thing. so, tomorrow i go to Hayleys house, sit and eat somehting with her for a while, wait for my sister to be dropped off on my mums way to work, cause shes too tired and lazy to get up at 7. and then they'll play in the pool, while i read or somehting, and they'll get bored and we'll walk to Rivermart to get candy,  and then to a playground. and then they'll swim more when we get back. and i get payed on friday, so i'm going to the mall with auddiepants sometime this weekend to get her her belated birthday presant.

w00t for business. kinda.

well, last night i turned the raido on for the first time since Bon left. she likes the radio. i do not. but i turned it on cause i missed her. which was a really bad idea. i kept stopping on song after song that reminded me of her. granted, it's not like i havn't heard from her in years, she calls every weekend(that's when the cell is free). but i still miss her so much. and this is the first time i can say that Green Day made me cry. and so did Shakira. that's sad. 

anyway, tomorrow(well, today, technically) i'm goign up to VT. until sunday. and then my big babysittign thing starts monday. but it only goes until four every day, so i can still hang out with everyone. which is GOOD. so, call me if you want to, i'll still bring up my cell(and cahrger).

well, as long as i don't start to get all nostalgic, i've been better about the whole Bon thing. i think it's because i'm not really as sad as i am hopeful and determined. i'm gonna work really hard to get money to go see her, and i want to move there once i'm sixteen. you can rent and apartment at sixteen, right? i'll transfer schools to the town she's in, and i'll get a part-time job and an apartment and such. and then... someitme after that, Japan will come into the picture. and i'll come home and visit everyone at LEAST a couple times a year. and once everyone disperses, i'll go visit them wherever they went. ^_^
oh, THATS where Japan will come in. college. i'm going to college in Japan. so, that gives me..... about three years to learn the language better. i think that ought to work. 

okay, enough about the future(which is really scary o_o). sorry lauren, but i don't have the money to go to the MSI concert on wed. and i don't want to have to pay anyone back, cause i'm planning on saving every penny to go see Bon next summer. i have about a year to save $700, which shouldn't be too hard, as long as i dn't go spending everything. -_-

i think i lost four pounds since i last went to the doctors. but maybe lizzle's scale is broken. she did say it needed batteries.

i haven't had a cigarette in a while. my nerves are all strung out. i keep stressing over little things, and then i stay stressed for no reason.

Bon hasn't called me the past two nights. i'm worried. i think she's not calling because the last time she did, it was midnight, and i said "wow, you're calling late." and she was like "well, you said i could call at any time." which, i did say that, and she could call at freakin three in the morning, i'd still just be happy to hear from her. i hope i didn't make her not want to call that late, and maybe she hasn't gotten the chance to earlier. hot damn, i'm such an idiot.

i need money. now. i asked the earl bastard if he could get me a job at his work, the pizza place. he said there wasn't a very high chance of that, considering they're letting people go right now. as in, not hiring. shit. i wish i could drive, then i could be a deliverer. he just said he asked DQ if they'd hire at 15, and they will. they said they don't need anyone right now, but they will in the fall, like late august. w00t.

the phone keeps ringing and it's PISSING ME OFF. i keep ignoring my cell, too, cause it's starting to piss me off also. so sorry if i don't answer your calls, anyone. i'll call back soon enough.

i still can't sleep. not much at night. it's horrible, cause then i'll sleep till noon the next day. this is really unhealthy.

i've had this song stuck in my head forever and a half. and i keep listenign to it, and getting sad all over again. what the fuck.


Nakanaide konna yoru nanoni
(Don't cry in spite of such a [lovely] night)
Hitorikiri hiza wo kakaete
(All alone holding your knees)
Matteite kaketsuketeku kara
(Because things will hasten while you're waiting)
Gozen reiji no kane ga naru mae ni
(Before the midnight bell tolls)

Sono mado wo akete mite goran
(Open that window and see)
Machi wa mou kiseki ni afurete
(The street is already overflowing with miracles)
Natsukashii uta mo kikoeru yo
(You can even hear nostalgic songs)
Ano sutekina orugan ni nosete
(On that wonderful organ)

Shinjiteru kimochi sae nakusanai you ni
(Don't lose faith)
Mou ichido sono hitomi yurasete kuretara
(If you roll those eyes [for me] once more)

...hora
(...look)

Kimi ni ikutsumono masshirona tenshi ga maiorite
(Many pure white angels will fly down to you)
Warattara totteokino kono yoru wo iwaou
(If you smile let's celebrate this reserved night)

Takusan no itoshisa wo wakete kureta kara
(Because [I] gave much love especially [to you])
Nozomu nara sora datte oyoide miseru yo
(If you wish I will even swim in the sky [for you])

...hora
(...look)

Kimi wa dare yori mo taisetsuna hito dakara
(Because you are more important [to me] than anyone else)
Donnani saigetsu ga nagaretemo waratteite hoshii
(No matter how time passes I want you to remain smiling)
Inotteru boku nanka dou nattemo
(No matter how this me who's wishing [for you] will become)
Kimi ga itsumademo itsumademo
Shiawasede arimasu you ni
(May you always always find happiness)

im such a loser. im sitting here, all day long, doing anything else but think of her. trying so hard to make myself believe it's not real, that i'll just call her up tomorrow and wait patiently while she pleads with her mum to give her a ride here.

[Watching your innocent face
as you played in the glimmering waves.
Running all over the beach barefoot,
How I adored you.]

i'm such a fucking loser. i've been all tough this whole time, i've been the one who doesn't cry, who's always there for her. i've been putting the truth off for as long as i possibly can. but i did cry at night, when no one was looking. when she wasn't looking. she came over one day, and i opened the door with tears streaming down my face. because i missed my sister's bus. i'm such a wimp. i didn't want to cry. i don't want to cry, dammit! i wanted to be strong for her. for the both of us. but now she's leaving, and the last memory of me will be in tears. it shows how much i'm going to miss her, and how much it hurts me too, but i don't want to cry.

[Your name we wrote in the sand,
and the shells we adorned it with,
shoulder to shoulder
we watched as the waves wiped it away before us.]

now i can't sleep, cause my pillow still smells like her shampoo. and i can't eat much, cause she's not around. she was having the same problem this past week. the night before she left the town, she came over, and we both ate a lot. and now i can't.

[The blue sky, slows its breathing,
to embrace the red setting sun
As I too held you, I closed my eyes.]

everythign i listen to is sad. everythign i watch reminds me of her. i have a picture on my wall of us hugging on the day of our eigth grade graduation. she's everywhere. and now that's all i'll have.

[all the joys and sadnesses,
the countless encounters and partings
just as it did back then,
the orange sun oversees them all.]

i'm such a failure. i can't smile. or laugh. and it hurts not to cry. all day long, i've had tears stinging behind my eyes. it's like they wont come out, just to spite me. it's like they want me to stay in pain. this is so horrible. and i am such a wimp.

[back then we dreamed of an eternity
laughing, we held each other for so long.]

it's 2:45 in the morning, and i still don't want to sleep. cause when i lay down, i'll have all the time in the world to think. about her. part of me wants to forget her completely, to sever all ties and dispose of anything to do with her. but i'd never be strong enough, and the rest of me doesn't want to. that and the fact that literally everything reminds me of her.

[It's stunning how much I think of you.
That's all I needed to satisfy myself.
Don't cry, We can meet again anytime,
just by closing our eyes...]

i became really attatched to that girl. and i'm freaking out because i wont be able to protect her from anything when she's all the way in Hawaii. that scares the shit out of me. i worry about her, about how innocent she is and how easily any pervert could take advantage of her. i cried about that a whole bunch too.

[The orange sun I saw with you at dusk
making a face about to cry, the big farewell.]

my heart hurts. it's hard to describe, but my heart really hurts. maybe it's more of my soul, but whatever it is, it's physical pain. it actually hurts. it hurts to think of her. and that's all i can do.

i hate life.

first entry on my new account. w00t.

Bon leaves really soon.

i'm tired of crying. -_-